Steering, Veering

Last Thursday as I wandered around Half-Priced Books, my favorite Daddy’s-watching-C-and-Mommy-has-free-time place to go, I moseyed my way into the Metaphysical section to see if they had a book I wanted by Ellen Dugan. I didn’t have any major reading planned; I just wanted some inspiration for the upcoming season.

As I perused the section my hand grabbed at a book called ‘The Apple Branch: A Path to Celtic Ritual’ by Alexei Kondratiev. I’ve heard of the book several times before, and had in the back of my mind to buy it, you know, eventually, when I got around to it, when I, you know, had limitless funds to buy all the books I wanted…

But I bought it. Without even glancing through it. It was like something in my head said: It’s time. I checked my phone to make sure it was the right book and headed to the cash register.

In the ensuing days I’ve felt a push towards certain deities. In fact, after a few years of a kind of agnostic Paganism, a low-ritual Paganism centered on feeling a general connectedness but not much more, now I feel…full…of deity. It’s a very strange feeling. Reminiscent of when I was a Christian (you know, the high periods after a retreat or revival) but definitely…different. There are many different…flavors…to these feelings/intuitions. I’m kind of…overwhelmed.

God-bothered is a phrase I read on The Cauldron (see link to the right) and it fits.

In most ways it’s a relief. I wouldn’t have minded meandering on, creating my own path, but I’m honestly glad for this clear direction in the path of Celtic-based Paganism. It’s been a long interest of mine, since I was a kid and asked for Celtic books of myths and legends every Christmas. I always felt it odd that I didn’t connect to that pantheon right away, no matter how hard I tried. I just felt an empty silence.

But no longer. It’s not a silence anymore. I’m excited. I’m thrilled. I’m humbled.

And I’m also a little…scared. I mean. On one hand, I feel/discern that I’m being treated with kid gloves. Which is definitely what I need. On the other hand, this seems…this is…a very definite steering, veering, of the course. I am no longer General Eclectic Pagan. I feel like I’m toeing into the Celtic Pagan, in all of its various forms.

Does it mean that this is the end destination? No. I don’t know if I could ever believe in that again. But for now, it’s the course. I’ve spent the last few days reading, reading, reading. Journaling. Thinking. Napping (need some recharge!). I keep waiting for this…fullness…to dissipate like mist in the morning. But still it lingers. It makes me want to sing, itch to paint, desire to pray.