Steering, Veering

Last Thursday as I wandered around Half-Priced Books, my favorite Daddy’s-watching-C-and-Mommy-has-free-time place to go, I moseyed my way into the Metaphysical section to see if they had a book I wanted by Ellen Dugan. I didn’t have any major reading planned; I just wanted some inspiration for the upcoming season.

As I perused the section my hand grabbed at a book called ‘The Apple Branch: A Path to Celtic Ritual’ by Alexei Kondratiev. I’ve heard of the book several times before, and had in the back of my mind to buy it, you know, eventually, when I got around to it, when I, you know, had limitless funds to buy all the books I wanted…

But I bought it. Without even glancing through it. It was like something in my head said: It’s time. I checked my phone to make sure it was the right book and headed to the cash register.

In the ensuing days I’ve felt a push towards certain deities. In fact, after a few years of a kind of agnostic Paganism, a low-ritual Paganism centered on feeling a general connectedness but not much more, now I feel…full…of deity. It’s a very strange feeling. Reminiscent of when I was a Christian (you know, the high periods after a retreat or revival) but definitely…different. There are many different…flavors…to these feelings/intuitions. I’m kind of…overwhelmed.

God-bothered is a phrase I read on The Cauldron (see link to the right) and it fits.

In most ways it’s a relief. I wouldn’t have minded meandering on, creating my own path, but I’m honestly glad for this clear direction in the path of Celtic-based Paganism. It’s been a long interest of mine, since I was a kid and asked for Celtic books of myths and legends every Christmas. I always felt it odd that I didn’t connect to that pantheon right away, no matter how hard I tried. I just felt an empty silence.

But no longer. It’s not a silence anymore. I’m excited. I’m thrilled. I’m humbled.

And I’m also a little…scared. I mean. On one hand, I feel/discern that I’m being treated with kid gloves. Which is definitely what I need. On the other hand, this seems…this is…a very definite steering, veering, of the course. I am no longer General Eclectic Pagan. I feel like I’m toeing into the Celtic Pagan, in all of its various forms.

Does it mean that this is the end destination? No. I don’t know if I could ever believe in that again. But for now, it’s the course. I’ve spent the last few days reading, reading, reading. Journaling. Thinking. Napping (need some recharge!). I keep waiting for this…fullness…to dissipate like mist in the morning. But still it lingers. It makes me want to sing, itch to paint, desire to pray.

2 comments on “Steering, Veering

  1. sweetcomice says:

    it is so good to watch an intuitive soul in action.
    I am thrilled for you in your discovery. Please
    continue to share as you move along in the journey
    to deeper spiritual connections. I have done research,
    participated in ritual over the years, but find my practice
    very solitary. sometimes my husband will join in my smudging,
    or celebrate moons and solstices. Most times it is just me calling
    in the wind, banishing dark work, praying for direction.
    It is good to be here. Thanks.

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