Devoted, Part One.

For the past 18 months or so this has been the blog of a General Pagan. I identify as capital-P Pagan, and I muck around in pretty trodden territory.

From the time I first comfortably self-identified (three years ago now?) till a couple of days ago, I’ve tried to make everything that fell under capital-P Paganism fit: Wicca, ADF, OBOD, Reconstructionism, Heathenry, etc. None of it fit very well, and I wasn’t really connecting to any deity in a particular way. I still offered and prayed to Brighid, for the great gifts She has bestowed on me, but…I got this feeling from Her that…I don’t know. While she liked me, and did indeed comfort me, maybe we just weren’t a…fit. I say that and feel like I’m betraying Her in some way, but that’s not the case. I do honor Her and will always.

I’ve always thought that I’d be into Celtic Paganism of some sort. Druidry/ism, Celtic Polytheism, Reconstructionism…something. I triedreally reallyhard to make it fit. When I was a teen I went through a HUGE Celtic phase. Enormous. Seriously, for ten years, pretty much all gifts given to me were Irish and Celtic mythology, folklore, music, etc. I was the girl with the Celtic obsession.

(It fit the hair.)

But…I could never make it stick. I wanted it to stick. I felt like itshould stick. I started reading more heavy-duty Celtic history and archaeology, expecting to be fascinated, expecting that I couldn’t put it down and…all the books collected dust. It was like using Super Glue to bond something, but it no matter how long you held it together it just always fell away. Honestly, it made me sad and disappointed.

Still, I had the trees and the wind and thunderstorms and the way the sun shone through the trees in the park. I had Nianna, a water spirit in said park, and I had vague whisperings and tugs as I read different stories, watched different shows, cooked dinner or kissed my daughter.

It was enough. I was Pagan in my orientation, and though yearning, still fine. What did the gods owe me, anyway? They’re so…other. So…vast. They already gave me life and numerous blessings and gifts…if this was what it was…then, I could live, and joyfully. Though it definitely irked that when I wanted to pray I just prayed to the heavens. It felt…impersonal.

That expectation–the personal relationship–is definitely a holdover from Christianity. In polytheism, the personal relationship is not guaranteed. It’s something I struggled with as I moved from Christianity into very-soft polytheism (more…Wicc-ish deity duality) into a newly realized medium-hard polytheism.

That realization, made some time in the past few weeks, almost took me by surprise. As I was trying to firm up some personal theology, I realized that I believed that the gods, while definitely having definite bleed over, meshing, immersing, etc., are mostly separate entities to me. And while there might still be one Divine, somewhere, I felt polytheist, truly, for the first time.

Then it was kind of like the doors were blown open.

And I knew exactly where to go.

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