The Tower

The Tower is kind of a disturbing card to receive on a daily card draw.  Every morning I do a quick shuffle and draw a card. It helps me get familiar with the deck, and provides me with a touchstone to consider throughout the day. Drawing the Tower always stymies me a bit. I surreptitiously look around for cracks in the walls and wait for a rumble of thunder. I mean, the meaning of the card is pretty forthright: destruction, catastrophe, radically shifting paradigms, fast movement, etc.

I thought the best way to approach it was to write down some thoughts that have been changing in my life, or thoughts that have the potential to prove to be transforming down the line. That worked and provide valuable insight into what may be coming next.

Later that evening, after J and I had watched out TV show, and I had taken my magnesium to help me go to sleep (’cause I’m obviously an old lady, right?! :)) I got a sudden urge to clean. It started by remembering that I wanted to purge the pantry of the gluten-containing items that we don’t use any more.  Besides making me feel sick, C also seems to be allergic to either wheat or all gluten, so I decided to get rid of everything but white flour and sugar (since, if I wanted to bake for friends, that’s what I’d use). I packed up the whole-wheat flours and couscous and specialty pastas and then…suddenly…I remembered that I had empty jars that I could fill with our bulk bin items still in plastic. Did that. Then just started cleaning, rearranging, wiping, muttering,  you know. I had ‘The Clean’ on me and followed it till I leaned back against the counter and realized…

I had put the flour and sugar canisters in the pantry.

Most of you reading this don’t know me personally, but if you had for any length of time you’d know that I bake. Or I did. I learned to cook and bake sitting on my grandma’s counter, early as two. She always had flour and sugar out, and mixed biscuits up about every morning. Rolls, biscuits, cakes, cookies–all delicious, all made without a measuring cup in sight. Just took handfuls of ingredients out of canisters sitting on the counter.

My mom is the same, and I’ve continued that ‘tradition’. Always have the goods within reach, always in sight, always homey and comforting. It was my mark of ability as a cook that I could mix up biscuits without measuring cups, that I was able to judge the completion of a dough or batter by its looks rather than following a recipe.

But now, since those ingredients are actually detrimental to Claire and me, and I don’t even use them that much anymore, they went into the pantry. Without me even thinking about it.

I know. It’s just flour and sugar.

But at the same time that I’m proud for changing, I’m more than a little uncomfortable to be leaving that behind. Or in the pantry.