Pregnancy Loss

One miscarriage you hope is a fluke. A random mismatching or tripling of chromosomes. Physically, a miscarriage can be just as painful (if not more) than labor, but when it’s over you’re left standing over a toilet or leaving a hospital. Empty ute. Empty arms.

You always carry the grief with you. It hits you fresh when you least expect it. Seeing a woman who is currently as pregnant as you should be. Seeing babies who are the age of your phantom child. The due date. Two weeks past the due date, when you know for certain you would have had a baby.

Eventually though, the sharp edge of grief fades. You sew up the wound, and it’s a bit clumsy, but scar tissue is tough. And it’s all you have left, so you bear it, proud.

Then it happens again.

Staring at that empty uterus on the screen, even though my heart knew this was going to happen, I couldn’t help but think: You’ve got to be shitting me.

Links:

Miscarriage #1, Non-Medicated, At Home (forthcoming)

Miscarriage #2, Medicated with Cytotec, Methergine, antibiotics

4 comments on “Pregnancy Loss

  1. Ann says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going through the shock and grief of my first, and hopefully last, miscarriage now. I had an appointment for an ultrasound last week (I was almost 10 weeks along). I had my husband and my toddler in the room when my doctor announced that my baby didn’t have a heart beat. I opted to go home and wait it out naturally. I am still waiting. I’m trying to keep busy by planning a memorial. I have a very strong relationship with Aphrodite, but Artemis has been speaking to me a lot lately. I found some correspondences (cypress and amaranth via Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs) for her that will work well for my baby’s memorial. I really wish there was more on Pagans and miscarriage out there.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss. I know I’m late in replying, and I hope I don’t stir up things that have been laid to rest, but your comment about Aphrodite and Artemis rang true for me. I too have a relationship with Aphrodite, but during those times Artemis and Hecate entered my life.

      Thank you for sharing. I hope you’re doing well.

  2. Margo says:

    Thank you for writing this. As a fellow pagan who has now experienced two miscarriages, with no living children, my whole world is shaken, largely because I haven’t been able to connect or speak frankly with anyone about the experience and how it has impacted me, my beliefs, my life. I agree that there should be a more fully developed emotional and spiritual resource for women experiencing this. I’ll be checking back, and also welcome any private correspondence if you’re interested.

    • Laura says:

      Margo,

      I remember asking my doctor if there were any support groups at the hospital when I had my 2nd MC. He just looked at me funny and said that there ‘might be something’ in the local community or at church. I looked online, but there wasn’t anything local, just a painful few forums located on pregnancy sites. I was lucky enough to have my mother, but she is a devout Christian woman. The world is in desperate need of a secular or pagan miscarriage support team. I’ve just about lost my faith (in anyting) because of these MCs. I hope you have better luck and your path is less painful.

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